


Don't shoot! That's how people get shot

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [7]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 05:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13697778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: Wymack stared in disbelief. “How exactly were you planning on working this case when you’re hobbling around wounded?”“I’m not hobbling around,” said Neil. “I keep telling you that I’m fine.”“You’re clearly not,” argued Wymack. “What is your problem? I would suspect your head injury was responsible for your terrible choices, but Ihavemet you.”“I don't have a problem,” said Neil. “I'm just trying to solve this case, and you’re making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes, and head.”





	Don't shoot! That's how people get shot

**Author's Note:**

> I posted a short fic on my [tumblr](http://gluupor.tumblr.com/post/170696252213/how-neil-and-andrew-got-engaged-and-married-on-the) about Andrew and Neil's wedding. I also wrote a tiny thing [about Kevin being a disaster](http://gluupor.tumblr.com/post/170878451918/b99-au-kevin-would-be-amy-giving-captain-holt).

Wymack arrived at work on Friday morning and did a double take when he saw Neil.

“Josten, I thought you were on administrative leave following your injury,” he said.

“I’m fine,” protested Neil.

“You were hit by a car yesterday,” said Dan.

“It didn’t actually hit me,” said Neil. “I dove out of the way in time.”

“Did you go see a doctor?” Wymack asked tiredly.

“Yes,” said Neil. “Kevin made me. The doctor said I was perfectly fine. Except for three cracked ribs. And a broken toe… which was right next to two other broken toes.”

“Why are you at work?” asked Wymack.

Neil gave him a pointed look. “I have to solve this case,” he said in a significant tone.

“I’ll speak with you in my office,” said Wymack. “Kevin, you’d better come too.”

Once the three of them were shut into Wymack’s office he levelled a look at Neil. “Explain.”

“You know why Captain Browning transferred me here, right? Because he thought I was being targeted?” said Neil. Wymack nodded, but Kevin squeaked.

“Targeted?” he sputtered. “By who?”

“Moriyama supporters,” said Wymack. “I thought you knew.”

“I may have neglected to tell him,” explained Neil.

“How could you keep this from me?” demanded Kevin, working himself up into a rant.

Neil raised a hand to stop him. “I didn’t want to worry you any more than you already were; you haven’t slept properly in weeks.” Kevin quieted. “I’ve been working with Browning to try to figure out the identity of the mole within the department. Following the incident with the car yesterday we’ve narrowed it down to five possibilities; all uniforms, all have had reason to be both at the one-two and the nine-nine at the same time as me.”

Kevin looked thoughtful. “I could call my Moriyama CI, see if he’s heard anything.”

“I’m sure _that’s_ why you want to call him,” Neil said sardonically. “Besides, I thought he left the Moriyama circle after the mass arrests?”

“He did, but he keeps his ears open in case anyone tries to take him out for his role in that.”

“See if he’s heard anything about Herrera,” said Neil. “We know he was out and about last month.”

“As sympathetic as I am to your need to see this case through, you really should be resting at home,” said Wymack. “What did Andrew have to say about you coming in to work?” Neil sent him a puzzled look, so he expelled a sigh. “I have your personnel files where you list each other as your spouse. Also I’m a much better detective than those yahoos in the bullpen. I’m considering docking their pay since none of them have figured out that you’re married yet.”

“He said he’d rather me be in his direct line of sight than home alone and vulnerable when there are people out to kill me,” said Neil.

“Sounds polite for him,” said Kevin.

“His exact words were much less complementary about my ability to take care of myself,” said Neil.

“Well you do have broken ribs and broken toes,” pointed out Kevin.

“...And a sprained ankle,” added Neil almost inaudibly. “I fell at the gym this morning.”

“Really?” said Wymack. “Broken ribs and a million broken toes weren’t enough for you to skip the gym?”

“In retrospect, I should have, yes,” said Neil testily.

“Andrew let you go to the gym?” asked Kevin.

“Not in so many words, no,” said Neil. “I snuck there after we drove in this morning. I definitely did not tell him that I tripped on the treadmill and hit my head.”

“You also have a head injury?” said Wymack incredulously.

“It’s not bad,” objected Neil.

Wymack stared in disbelief. “How exactly were you planning on working this case when you’re hobbling around wounded?”

“I’m not hobbling around,” said Neil. “I keep telling you that I’m fine.”

“You’re clearly not,” argued Wymack. “What is your problem? I would suspect your head injury was responsible for your terrible choices, but I _have_ met you.”

“I don't have a problem,” said Neil. “I'm just trying to solve this case, and you’re making a huge deal because I have a few minor injuries to my ribs, ankle, hand, toes, and head.”

“...Hand?” said Kevin.

“I might have punched the wall in annoyance after I fell off the treadmill,” said Neil sheepishly.

Wymack closed his eyes. “Lord grant me patience, because if you give me strength I’m going to break the rest of his tiny body.”

“Soooo this might not be the best time to tell you this,” said Neil hesitantly, “but I’ve come up with an ingenious plan for how to flush out the mole.”

“This should be good,” said Wymack.

“I was thinking about how the mole knew where I was yesterday and was able to quickly communicate with their accomplice who tried to run me down,” he said, “and I figured that if I do the same thing today, the accomplice should come out of the woodwork to try to take me out.”

“Right…” said Kevin slowly.

“You want to act as bait?” asked Wymack, understanding coming more quickly to him than to Kevin.

“What? No!” said Kevin.

“If we catch the accomplice we can try to get them to identify the mole in exchange for leniency,” said Neil.

“Neil, you can’t act as bait,” said Kevin frantically. “They’re trying to _kill_ you; that’s incredibly irresponsible.”

“Yes, I could die,” said Neil, “but that would be preferable than listening to you lecture me about responsibility again.”

“I won’t let you do this,” argued Kevin.

“How exactly are you going to stop me?” asked Neil.

“I will tell Andrew,” said Kevin decisively. “I will also tell him that you fell off the treadmill this morning.”

Neil gaped. “You wouldn’t,” he said, eye twitching.

“I would,” said Kevin triumphantly.

“I approve your bait plan,” said Wymack suddenly.

Kevin turned towards him with a betrayed expression. “ _Da-ad_ ,” he whined.

“On one condition,” continued Wymack. “You have to bring the rest of the squad as backup. Including Andrew.”

“We’re dealing with a mole,” Neil pointed out. “I’ve been trying to keep this as quiet as possible.”

“Even so,” said Wymack. “I trust all of my detectives, and you shouldn’t be working with people you don’t trust.”

“Fine,” said Neil. “But we have to keep it between the eight of us.”

“What about Nicky?” Kevin asked.

“For all we know Nicky _is_ the mole without being aware of it,” said Wymack. “His twitter followers all know more about us than I’m comfortable with.”

“You should make him stop tweeting,” said Kevin with authority.

“Sure,” said Wymack dryly. “That sounds easy. Since it was your idea, I’ll delegate to you. Kevin, you’re in charge of controlling Nicky from now on.”

Kevin looked incredibly pained. “Yes, sir, Captain Dad, sir,” he said sadly.

* * *

Kevin dragged Neil down to the parking garage just before lunch.

“This is pretty clandestine, Kevin,” said Neil. “Are _you_ the mole, dragging me down here to kill me?”

“No,” said Kevin. “I called my CI like I told you I would and he agreed to meet me.”

“Why am I here then?” asked Neil. “You’ll recall that my relationship with him is quite different than yours. Also, why are you calling him your CI instead of using his name?”

Kevin looked distraught. “I’m trying to establish some distance. You _know_ that every time we’re alone together he manages to seduce me with his sexy accent, but I’m with Thea now!”

“Are you actually together or did she just boss you around during sex so you pledged your troth to her?”

“She said she had fun and that we should do it again sometime,” said Kevin. “I took that to mean that we’re dating now. You have to keep me strong.”

“You should probably actually discuss with Thea whether or not you’re monogamous, but I’ll do my best.” There was movement in the shadows and Neil turned towards it, on his guard. Jean Moreau sauntered out to meet them.

“Neil,” Jean said in surprise. His gaze turned to Kevin and turned warm. “Kevin. _Mon chou_.” Kevin whimpered.

Neil snapped his fingers about an inch in front of Kevin’s face and deftly stepped between the two men. “Keep your French wiles to yourself, Moreau. He’s taken now.”

“Alas, so am I,” said Jean. “But we used to have such good times, Kevin, _non_?”

“Yeah,” said Kevin dreamily. Neil pinched him.

“Why are you here acting like a jealous wife?” Jean asked Neil. “If I recall correctly, you are a eunuch.”

Neil winced. “You do _not_ recall correctly,” he said. “Kevin asked me to be here since he’s incapable of controlling himself around you.”

“I can control myself,” said Kevin.

“Prove it,” said Neil with a raised eyebrow.

Kevin shook himself. “I know you keep your ears open with respect to Riko. What have you heard recently?” he asked Jean.

“I know he wants you dead,” said Jean, addressing Neil. “He does not have as many supporters as he used to, but there are still one or two willing to do as he asks.”

“Herrera?” guessed Neil.

Jean shrugged expansively. “ _Oui_ , although I do not think that he is overly loyal to Riko. I have heard his name mentioned a couple times since he evaded you. Also you have rodents at home.”

“We know,” said Kevin darkly.

“Anything else?” asked Neil impatiently. “I don’t know why you had to meet in person; this information could have been given over the phone.”

“Oh, but I would never give up the chance to see _mon cher_ Kevin,” said Jean with a flirtatious glance to Kevin who took a step towards him.

“ _No_ ,” said Neil fiercely, pushing him back. “Down, Kevin.”

“Right,” said Kevin, blushing. “We’re both with other people. Who is your new man?”

“I think you will know of him,” said Jean. “He is the captain of an exy team. Jeremy Knox?”

Kevin practically wiggled in his excitement. “Oh! I met him a couple months ago! He was robbed.”

Jean’s grin was sharp. “I stole many thing, yes, including the good captain’s heart.”

Kevin groaned. “We’re _police officers_ ,” he said. “Stop _confessing to crime_.”

“Do not worry my friends,” said Jean. “You will never be able to catch me.”

* * *

After he outlined his plan to his co-workers Neil waited at the front of the briefing room for feedback. He chanced a glance at Andrew; he looked mostly unaffected but Neil could read a little unhappiness and resignation in his posture. He assumed that he would hear Andrew’s true thoughts on this plan later when they were alone.

“I think I misunderstand your plan,” said Matt hesitantly. “It sounds like you’re planning on offering yourself up as bait.”

“Yes,” said Neil. “That’s correct.”

“But…” Matt frantically swivelled his head between Neil and Wymack. “But this person tried to run you over with a car yesterday.”

“It’s our best chance to arrest them,” said Neil.

“Don't arrest them,” said Andrew. “Just smack them. Hard. With a phone book on a body part no one can see.” He looked around.  “Know what I'm saying?”

“Yes,” said Dan testily. “You're suggesting police brutality.”

Andrew shrugged. “I’m just saying that when we catch them, one of y’all better make sure to call an ambulance, because I'm gonna do some stuff to them.”

“...Did you just say ‘y’all’?” asked Allison. “Did anyone else hear that? Did I just fall into an alternate dimension? Am I hallucinating?”

“Andrew, you’re not going to physically attack our suspect,” said Wymack. “I don’t know why I keep having to spell that out for you.”

Andrew gave a put upon sigh. “Fine,” he said. “I'll consider a non-violent option.”

“This story is already full of holes,” said Neil. “Any other comments?”

“I vehemently object-” Kevin started.

“Yes, thank you, Kevin,” Neil cut in. “Anyone else?”

“This seems reckless, even for you,” said Dan.

“I’m not reckless,” said Neil, stung.

“When we met you you were dripping blood out of a stab wound,” said Wymack.

“Barely,” scoffed Neil.

“And how many other times have you been stabbed?” asked Wymack.

“Only, like, four,” said Neil.

“Five,” corrected Andrew.

“You once slid down a banister to chase a suspect,” said Renee.

“That was a perfectly acceptable decision,” said Neil. “How was I to know that the ground was icy at the far end?”

“You tackle suspects that are twice your size,” said Dan.

“It’s not my fault I’m small!” protested Neil.

“I’ve seen you eat mystery food from the staff room fridge,” said Matt.

“Food is food,” said Neil.

“You told an angry mob boss that he was a useless sack of shit,” said Kevin.

Neil pointed at him. “You know he deserved that.”

“You once jumped out of a second story window to escape a social situation,” said Andrew.

“It was really awkward,” said Neil. “You’re just jealous that you didn’t think of that route of escape.”

“You stole a pen off my desk,” said Allison.

“So?” asked Neil.

“So you’re lucky I didn’t give you stab wound number six,” replied Allison. “It’s reckless to touch my things.”

“Okay, I get your message,” said Neil. “The gist of it is that I’m _efficient_ but all of you are mother hens who confuse efficiency with recklessness.”

“That’s not even remotely close to the point we were making,” said Renee.

“We could keep listing things until you believe us,” offered Dan. “Like your penchant for jaywalking without looking out for cars.”

“Andrew does that too!” argued Neil. “How about we just agree to disagree?”

“You say that every time you want people to stop listing your flaws,” said Kevin.

“You’re the only one who regularly lists my flaws, Kev,” said Neil, his tone dry.

“You think Neil has enough flaws to make a list?” asked Matt incredulously. “He’s so lovable and amazing.”

“See, Matt agrees with me,” said Neil.

“Oh, no, you’re incredibly reckless,” said Matt. “But I still think you’re practically perfect in every way.”

Allison frowned in contemplation. “Actually, watching Neil attempt to be a nanny like Mary Poppins would be quality entertainment.”

“He’s afraid of birds,” said Kevin disdainfully. “He wouldn’t be feeding them.”

“It’s a legitimate fear,” said Neil. “They’re sky beasts who drop shit from above. Have you seen their beady eyes? What’s going on in their tiny little brains?”

“Besides, Mary Poppins doesn’t feed the birds,” said Dan. “She just sings a song about it.”

“That’s arguably worse,” said Neil. “I’m completely tone deaf.”

“A tone deaf Mary Poppins who is afraid of children and birds,” said Allison thoughtfully. “It could work.”

“Speaking of work…” said Wymack wryly. “Are any of you considering doing your jobs today?”

“Right,” said Dan, snapping into Sergeant mode. “Does anybody have any questions or comments about what we’re doing? No? Matt, run through the pre-op checklist.”

“Okay, first of all,” said Matt. “Neil, have you eaten lunch?”

“That’s not on the checklist,” said Neil.

Matt smiled proudly. “I added it because I care about you.”

“I have one more thing to add,” said Andrew with deceptive calmness. “If anything happens to Neil, I’m going to kill everybody in this room and then myself.”

* * *

The mood when everyone returned to the precinct late that afternoon was jubilant. Everything had worked as planned. Sure, Matt had hurt his knee when he dove in front of Neil to protect him from the sound of a car backfiring, but the accomplice was in custody. It had been Herrera; he had almost immediately given up the mole, a uniformed officer named Chris “Gorilla” Hawking. Both Herrera and Hawking had indicated that they were willing to testify against Riko for reduced sentences. Thea had called Kevin to say that Riko had lost all chance of bail and it was likely that his sentence was going to be extended.

Captain Browning was waiting for Neil in the bullpen. “Excellent work, Neil,” he commended. “I’m so glad that everything worked out.”

“Me, too,” admitted Neil.

“You know I only suggested you transfer here in order to flush out the mole,” Browning continued. “I would be happy if you would return to the one-two and resume the excellent undercover work you’ve always done for me.”

Neil looked around the bullpen, at the people who had become his friends and who had backed him up as soon as he needed it. He caught Andrew’s eye. “I don’t think so, sir,” he said. “I like it at the nine-nine; my family is here.”

Browning smiled. “I thought that may be the case,” he said. “Good luck in the future and don’t hesitate to contact me if you need anything.”

After he was gone, Matt turned to Neil. “That’s so sweet, Neil,” he gushed. “We’re family!” He swept Neil up into a hug that lifted him off the floor.

“Do I even weigh anything to you?” asked Neil.

“No,” said Matt, “it's like holding a couple grapes.”

Once he was back on the ground, Neil brushed off his clothes and looked around. “I literally meant what I said,” he said.

“What?” asked Matt, not understanding.

“When I said that my family was here at the nine-nine I meant that literally,” explained Neil, raising his voice to get everyone’s attention. He received mostly puzzled glances. “Because Andrew and I have been married since 2012.”

Stunned silence met his announcement. It was broken by a glass shattering to the ground. “ _What_?!” Nicky shrieked.

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm pretty sure this is penultimate story in this series. There's going to be one more that takes place at Betsy's long-awaited birthday party. However, I'm open to writing short little fics like my Andreil marriage fic. If there's anything you really want to see let me know in the comments or send me an ask on my [tumblr](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).


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